Wedges Kill Boners

WIDGET USE 2

Women are unknowingly murdering the assumedly invincible sex drive of their significant others.

The wedge has a humble beginning, which can be traced back to a well-intentioned cobbler attempting to outfit his daughter with a shoe that would render her undesirable to potential suitors. He succeeded, but in the process provided a convenient aid in fetching wool fedoras and label-laden handbags from top shelves of closets. Soon women were leaving their homes while still wedged as it presented an effective method of eliminating advances from male onlookers. The wedge became a staple in thousands of women's otherwise aesthetically inoffensive wardrobes. Soon the wedge began to devolve into a more comfortable alternative to the ever-so-lovely heel. And before long the wedge was snuffing out libidos in unfortunate cities across the country.
Light Blue Espadrille Wedge

The wedge is a hybrid. And hybrids are inherently evil. For example, the rap/rock band. Soiling the tastes of adolescent listeners innocently attending local music festivals. The iPad. Convincing yuppies that a device too large to carry around like a phone and incapable of handling the menial tasks of a laptop should be the foundation of any post-collegiate middle manager's technological harem. Even the hybrid car, while economical and admirably environmentally conscious, is made to resemble a mobile handheld vacuum with three SUVs' worth of blind spots.

​The female form is one of delicacy. Elegance. Women are graceful creatures. Self-inflicted poisoning is a tragic end to a respectable sense of style. A well-assembled outfit is sabotaged by a tree stump strapped to a petite ankle. Even more insulting, the espadrille wedge--the wicker patio furniture of an otherwise tasteful home.

Women are confused by the male genitalia's response to the wedge. I offer this analogy...think of a man in a tank top. Or one of those t-shirts with the sleeves cut off. That's what men think of your wedges. Men are not as apathetic as we seem. We have stylistic needs from the opposite sex just as you do. We cherish the time spent resting our eyes from your ill-fitting boho chic maxi. We're careful to avoid direct contact with the retina-sodomizing print adorning your flowy blouse. And for this you should be thankful. We care. We offer answers to your desperate subconscious cries for help. Violently charming alternatives. Ankle boots. Wing tips. Non-ballet flats.

You have a choice. One with which you will have to live for 14-18 uninterrupted hours. Consider the consequences. Survey the options. Give your boyfriends back their erections.

13 Responses to "Wedges Kill Boners"

  • Antonio
    July 20, 2013 - 3:27 pm

    We love wedges and platforms; Your feet are probably just fat, or you have ugly toes. Jussssayin’

  • millions
    July 20, 2013 - 9:38 pm

    this is so confusing….. wing tips? over wedges?
    wing tips?

  • Rachel
    July 24, 2013 - 3:26 pm

    But heels are so passe…

  • nai
    February 4, 2014 - 11:43 am

    lol this is too funny. im not gna say all wedges bt some just arent right. guys have to understand that only strippers (respect, no shade) are paid to be in heels 24/7. heels hurt! wedges allow females to get the height, legthening of legs and still walk comfortably. i see your point bt hey! respect our comfort

  • fighsdfoigh
    April 19, 2014 - 6:49 pm

    i get what your saying but the wedges that you have up are effin horrible! Get a girl in jeffery campbell wedges (like the icy’s) and see if a guy will lose his boner….do more research girl

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  • Les Ismor
    April 25, 2015 - 10:10 am

    You are absolutely correct. I hate these things. They look like something that was made to last about a week. I understand that heels can’t be worn all the time but there are better alternatives than these bulky monstrosities. I almost would rather see Birkenstocks on a woman’s feet…almost, but both styles should be banned. I’m fine with flats/ballet/whatever you call them as a change or even those cheap little canvas sneakers – at least they don’t magnify your feet cartoon-ishly.

    Women’s feet are slimmer than men’s, that’s why they’re sexy to us. Clowns are not sexy, they’re frightening; so why wear clown shoes?

  • KK
    August 7, 2015 - 7:53 am

    Wow this is some kind of foolishness! You put up less than attractive wedges and complain. As another poster previously stated, wedges are comfortable and stylish. Wear a pair of tight ball hugging jeans everyday because a woman says it’s cute and then come back to the table. How ludicrous!

  • Wedgie
    October 7, 2015 - 10:10 pm

    Fuck you, fucking sexist dude. We could go on and on about bad male fashion but we don’t because only women get to be critiqued. I’m going to wear wedges as much as fucking possible because you don’t get to complain about and control what I wear, even if it’s ugly.

  • miranda
    January 29, 2016 - 4:49 pm

    My intention is to look stylish, not give a man in every direction a boner. It’s not my fault if you’re not clever enough to realize that my feet aren’t actually larger when I wear wedges. I was referred to the Houndstooth because I thought I might find some classy looks for my boyfriend – but I don’t want him to look like a sexist, so I won’t give this website any more of my time.

  • CeeCee
    February 12, 2016 - 3:05 am

    Ha! This is so disheartening. I absolutely L-O-V-E wedges lol.

  • Shiela
    February 21, 2016 - 8:04 pm

    Very nice post. I simply stumbled upon your weblog and wished to say that
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  • Anonymous
    March 21, 2016 - 2:19 pm

    I just hate it when I’m choosing what shoes to wear and all I can think about is how it will affect all the boners of the men I walk past! God forbid I leave a trail of flaccid penises in my wake. Honestly dude the only way wedges should kill your boner is by stamping on it when you tell your SO she can’t wear them.

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